Decisionship

Image: Tony Robbins

I am gradually weaning myself off the monthly supplement otherwise known as a salary; yes, the one that comes with paid employment. I made quite the ballsy move against the trappings and comfort that came along with the regular pay day. The withdrawal symptoms have been quite severe at times, leaving me mulling over my decision and contemplating if it was indeed the right one.

I have beat up myself on occasion since I became a free agent, thinking back to the chain of events and decisions that led me to drop my letter. It wasn’t a decision that was taken lightly considering the ravenous appetite of the responsibilities on my plate and the unyielding urgency with which they would continue to come at me. And so, here we are.

The action was made all the more complex by my resolve not to chase paid employment any further, at least not for the foreseeable future, allowing me to fully explore the extent of my other options. The unfolding developments to any observer would seem absurd, miscalculated and unreasonable; and who could blame them, it often seems that way to me as well. Fighting off the urge to compromise on a firm commitment and re-litigate my initial resolve remains a continuous struggle.

Finding a purpose and staying true to it is one of the hardest things a person can achieve. It is like swimming against a very strong current. Short of a conviction that I feel in my core, I couldn’t tell you what sustains my crusade. Of course I have a desire to make a mark and attempt to achieve something worthwhile and timely, I have however struggled with how to go about it. I have my moments of astonishing clarity and laser sharp focus, but they are few and far between. Often times I am both scared and encouraged by my own optimism. 

Being involved in creating and curating the future for me is at once a priviledge and a calling. The results are never guaranteed, particularly when operating in a system that has evolved to devour its own and drain their very life force; but achieving something significant is usually not an uncomplicated affair.

I continue to take in the sights and learnings as the journey unfolds, praying fervently that I am not consumed in the process and that my will survives the assault from within and without; building requires continuous toiling. Patience however, can turn out to be an ambivalent virtue for one embracing risk with a lot on the line and obligations that don’t wait around for any maturation.

This, I am learning, is a journey of discovery more of self above any other. One, often, cannot control situations and circumstances but one can always moderate alignment and adaptation. I intend to stay grounded for as long as I can while this dizzying fiesta goes on, holding on to whatever I can along the way for hope and inspiration.